


Beomgyu's Reasons Why

by Calyxir



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fraternity, Angst, Anxiety, Basically heavy shit, Betrayal, Blood, Broken Family, Cheating, Choi Beomgyu-Centric, Crime Scenes, Crimes & Criminals, Crying, Delinquents, Depression, Drug Dealing, Drugs, Embarrassment, Enemies, Falling In Love, Favoritism, Financial Problems, Flashbacks, Friends to Enemies, Friends to Lovers, Gangs, Guilt, Guns, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Initiation, Inspired by 13 Reasons Why (TV), Jealousy, Journalist Soobin, Kang Taehyun-Centric, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Murder, Pain, Parties, Secrets, Self-Harm, Suicide, Swearing, Tapes, Teachers, Toxic Relationships, Unrequited Love, broken trust, i'll be adding more tags as we go~, mentions of suicide/self harm, public shaming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27278164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calyxir/pseuds/Calyxir
Summary: "It's me, Choi Beomgyu. Live and in stereo. As of today, I am still alive. But I won't be for long. By the time you finish listening to these tapes, I hope you allow me to end it all."Or,Choi Yeonjun swore he hid the tapes. He knew he hid them somewhere far enough, somewhere no one else could find.But oh, Kang Taehyun exists.This book will follow the narration of Beomgyu, with the tapes playing in Taehyun's ears.Yeonjun should've burned the tapes instead.[RATED MATURE FOR SENSITIVE THEMES.](Loosely based from Netflix's 13 Reasons Why)
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun, Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 42
Kudos: 56





	1. A/N

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I cross posted this on Wattpad under @calyxir :)) enjoy, and read with caution :))

Short warning before we begin, this story is FILLED with sensitive themes. If you're easily triggered, please click away. Go read some tooth-rotting fluff, because this book is a roller coaster of angst. (Some themes include: Abuse, suicide, self harm, homophobic slurs, swearing, blood, bullying, among other things. I will put trigger warnings at the beginning of every chapter bc I love u guys.)

Please note that for the sake of the plot, some of your faves (idols) might look bad. The story does not reflect them in any way shape or form. THIS IS PURE FICTION.

I love them with all my heart and it pains me to write them in the way I am about to, but for a good story, sacrifices must be made.

This story will not follow Netflix's 13RW plot, it's more of just the concept of the tapes.

With that said, let us begin.


	2. Three Can Keep a Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions and opinions on suicide. Mentions of blood.

_On January 6th, a month after Beomgyu's death, Kang Taehyun was arrested for murder._

It wasn't supposed to end up that way. After Beomgyu's last breath, everything should've gone back to normal. That was how it worked, right? Once a person dies, everyone would grieve, and then go on as if that person never existed.

That was what Beomgyu thought, too. He thought that once the trigger was pulled, the world would carry on as if there never was a Choi Beomgyu.

If Beomgyu only knew his death would bring about a series of unfortunate events, could he have gone past the suffering and struggle to live?

Maybe.

Taehyun's crime came as a shock to the entire university. He was popular, loved by the teachers, and should've been the batch valedictorian-- had this not happened.

Rewind a month earlier, before Taehyun got arrested. A month earlier... to the night Beomgyu gave up.

-

 _There were a million things Taehyun regretted_. The first, being the sudden pull to chase after Choi Yeonjun. Initially, Taehyun only wanted to talk to Beomgyu-- especially after Yeonjun rejected him in front of the entire school, after Yeonjun professed his love for someone else.

Okay, Taehyun wasn't an angel, but he felt pity for Beomgyu's public humiliation. Seeing as Yeonjun showed no interest in apologizing to Beomgyu, Taehyun knew the aforementioned boy needed someone.

However, Taehyun arrived outside Beomgyu's house a little too late. Once Taehyun got there... he saw Yeonjun, who exited Beomgyu's house with a gloomy face (this is the most accurate description Taehyun could make out in the dark.) He went on his motorcycle and drove away.

He could have let him go, but the **_shoe box_** in his grasp caught his eyes. Oh, and Yeonjun was sobbing uncontrollably, he was _shaking._ That caught Taehyun's curiosity as well.

If Taehyun didn't chase after Yeonjun, maybe Beomgyu would still be alive. No, that was wishful thinking. 

Carrying on, Taehyun biked after Yeonjun's motorcycle as fast as he could.

Panting, Taehyun _finally_ put his cycling legs to rest as Yeonjun situated his own motorcycle right outside a graveyard.

Taehyun carefully trailed behind Yeonjun, who trudged through the dark gravestones, only the light from his phone guiding him through the dark blanket of the night.

The younger was a good distance from Yeonjun, it was a good thing the other never suspected anyone was following him. 

The light from his phone illuminated a shovel Yeonjun wielded as he dug, and dug, and dug, deep into the cemetery's soil. Deep enough to fit a small box.

That shoe box, upon further inspection... was splattered with _blood_. 

Upon further scrutiny, Taehyun spotted specks of red that have dried on Yeonjun's bare arms.

Taehyun's eyes went wide... _what had happened?_

The answer to that question of his was contained in the seven tapes inside the shoebox Yeonjun has buried.

Later on, Taehyun would come to realize that the tapes contained secrets. _Secrets that only two people knew._

Soon, though, Taehyun would be challenged.

Challenged to chose between keeping a hidden secret he accidentally found out about...

or let his feelings gain control over his rationality and ruin the peace Beomgyu hoped his death would bring.


	3. Tape 1, Side A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of suicide and blood.

Taehyun waited until Yeonjun left the graveyard before he went towards the little indentation on the ground-- the small pit that contained the shoe box.

Now, here he was, in his parent's basement looking for a cassette tape player.

"What are you looking for, Taehyun?" came the voice of his father when Taehyun accidentally nudged an entire stack of boxes, causing the sound of the impact to echo throughout the house.

"Uh." Taehyun desperately itched his tongue for words. Why was he scared? What even do those tapes contain? As of now, he doesn't have to give out a grave lie.

"Appa, do you still have that compact cassette tape thingy? The one you play your music on back in the day."

His father's eyebrow's creased at the sudden, random necessity, but walked to one of the boxes that fell and took out the said rectangular-shaped player.

"Here. For a project?" His father asked. Taehyun nodded, wanting to be left alone so he could bring the cassette player and the shoe box upstairs to his room. It still had dried blood, soil sticking to the cardboard.

"Yes, uh, thanks for this."

-

Taehyun did just that, taking two steps at a time towards his room, located at the second floor of his home. He locked his door and took out all the tapes, which were clean, thanks to the box it was in.

There were seven tapes in total. Written on the each of the faces of these tapes were letters and numbers.

 _Why was Yeonjun covered in blood? What was he doing in Beomgyu's house?_ and most importantly...

_Why was Yeonjun hiding these tapes?_

Hastily taking the first tape and pushing it inside the player, he plugged in his earphones... as the first words played from the tape, he froze in his spot.

 ** _"Hello... uhm, yes. It's me, Choi Beomgyu. Live and in stereo."_** His hands fumbled for the pause button. It took all of his will-power to refrain from throwing the cassette player across the room.

He did not care about Beomgyu..., or at least that's the lie he tells himself. That lie comforts him, because if he listens to his own truth, then guilt would surely consume him.

How did all of this connect? The blood? Yeonjun? The tapes? How did all of those end up with a common denominator, Beomgyu?

He figured, the only way to find out was to press play.

**_ "As of today, I am still alive. But I won't be for long. By the time you finish listening to these tapes, I hope you allow me to end it all."  _ **

Taehyun wasn't dumb-- he knew that meant suicide and... the blood... the... did Beomgyu...?

Fuck this, Taehyun was supposed to be calling the police, or an ambulance or heck, going back to Beomgyu's house himself. But Taehyun did none of those, all because of humane curiosity.

**_ "Yeonjun... hyung you're probably wondering why I decided to send you these tapes. Why I sent them only to you. The thing is, after all that has happened, I still trust you. Please... whatever you learn from these tapes, keep it a secret. Keep it between us." _ **

Goosebumps littered Taehyun's skin, he could feel the cold through his long sleeves. In some strange way, Taehyun was invested. It looked like Beomgyu had a story to tell.

He was listening in on a secret, seemingly eavesdropping on private messages from Beomgyu for Yeonjun.

**_ "I have a favor to ask of you, which you'll soon find out once you've listened to every single one of these tapes. Please don't let these tapes fall into the wrong hands, it can put both you and I in grave danger. _ **

**_ Well, mostly you... since I'm already six feet under the ground once these get to someone else? _ **

**_ Before you come rushing to my house to help me, listen to the recordings first. _ **

**_ I love you Yeonjun. And I trust you with this. _ **

**_ Now, let me tell you about my life... or more specifically, how my life will end." _ **

Taehyun paused the recording. He had a _really_ bad feeling about this.

There was a huge chance Beomgyu was in the brink of death _right at this moment._

But... Yeonjun left his home... so everything should be fine. Maybe the blood was a product of a failed attempt? Maybe Beomgyu was okay. Yeah, Taehyun should not be worrying.

What he should be doing... is listening, or that was what his instinct told him to do. His finger pressed the play button, Beomgyu's deep voice in his ears again.

**_ " _ ** **_ Now, Jun-hyung... you're listening to the first tape, so let me introduce to you the first person who hurt me. _ **

**_ The first person who made me want to fucking die. _ **

**_ Kang Taehyun. _ ** **_ " _ **


	4. Now Playing: Tape 1, Side A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of suicidal thoughts.

**_ "Kang Taehyun." _ **

The instant he heard his name, he rewinded the tape about three times. Was he hearing this right? How many 'Kang Taehyuns' were there in the world?

Of course, Taehyun has done nothing wrong to Beomgyu...

Or has he?

Taehyun has spent months trying to get over what he did, he swears he didn't mean it.

The whole time, he ran away from everything that concerned Beomgyu... it was about time he faces the consequences of what he has done.

Taehyun quickly took a seat on his chair, leaned on it, and desperately tried to calm down.

_Why the hell was he the first one on the tapes?_

**_ "I'm sure you know him, hyung. You're popular, and so is he. Makes me wonder, are all popular people absolute dickheads? _ **

**_ Even if they are, I don't hate all of them— I'm not one to generalize. But Taehyun fucking ruined my life. _ **

**_ If he didn't do what he did... maybe the rest of the tapes wouldn't have a reason to exist. Maybe I would be happy, with friends, with no rumors and people making me a disgusting outcast." _ **

Taehyun's mood was crumbling by the minute. God, Beomgyu hated his guts.

Thinking about it, Taehyun hated himself too. That's why he pretended to live as if he had forgotten what happened **_that night._**

**_ "I thought Taehyun was kind. Maybe he is, he's loved by the whole school. But to me, Taehyun is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He treated me like trash, like a fucking toy. _ **

**_ I waited for him to say sorry. I would forgive him, but the apology never came. _ **

**_ Taehyun took away everything from me... well, not everything, because if he did, the others wouldn't have anything left to destroy. _ **

**_ He broke my heart, hyung. Broke it before you did. _ **

**_ I still fucking remember his faux confession. Fucking fake words, fake actions to make me trust and fall for him. _ **

**_ And guess what? It worked. _ **

**_ I was so fucking stupid to believe that a guy like Taehyun, a perfect person who had everything he ever wanted— would fall for a nobody like me. _ **

**_ Hyung... I'm so angry. So fucking angry that he was my first kiss. These types of things were supposed to be special, right? _ **

**_ And oh god it was fucking special, alright? Because that kiss was the start of my self-loathing. The start of these... bad thoughts in my head. _ **

**_ While we kissed, all his fucking pervert friends were watching in secret. You know what? I never would've suspected they were there if not for a camera flashing. _ **

**_ But it didn't stop there. _ **

**_ Kang Taehyun fucking bragged about it." _ **


	5. First Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is a narration of what Beomgyu talks about on the tapes. Don't be confused. This is a flashback, until it returns to the format of Beomgyu's recording.
> 
> TW: Mature scenes that may not be suitable for young audiences. (Noice) Mentions of suicide.

Beomgyu could say there really was a time when he had feelings for Taehyun. At the very least, a crush. Who wouldn't? He was, for lack of a better term, perfect. Beomgyu couldn't detect a single flaw on him— from his test scores, to his voice when he sang, to his angled nose and pearl eyes.

It wasn't a challenge, wasn't an obstacle course to fall in love with Taehyun.

Love? It was just a crush, right? Beomgyu didn't know, it felt like love, though. There were things he wouldn't let anyone do with him, unless he was in love. Whenever Taehyun would send him a message of "Good morning" and "good night", and the infamous, "have you eaten yet? Take care of yourself."

Fucking fake words that made Beomgyu feel genuine things.

Beomgyu was the new kid, and ever since he met Taehyun, he didn't feel the need to go look for other friends to hang out with. He focused on his school works, and for him, Taehyun was enough.

The fact that Taehyun began to make moves on Beomgyu almost as soon as they met should've been the first red flag, but again Beomgyu was new.

He was the latest addition to the list of students in _TDC High_ , new with almost everything. Beomgyu was an expert of nothing.

"No, you can't possibly think so low of yourself, Gyu-hyung," Taehyun spoke. Beomgyu was beside him in the student's lounge, they were discussing certain points in their study curriculum. Taehyun took time in teaching Beomgyu whatever technique he has learned to make solving math problems easier.

"Compared to you, Tyun? I'm a nobody. I can't even understand this simple formula," Beomgyu's voice was small, insecurities eating him up.

Taehyun's eyebrows creased in sympathy. "Don't compare yourself to me, Beomgyu. I'm sure there's something out there that you're skilled at."

Disheartening himself? Yeah, Beomgyu was really, really good at that.

"Stop flattering me... but I really,... we shouldn't even be seen together."

"Really?" Taehyun spoke, finger grazing his own chin, "I flattered you?"

Beomgyu's face heated up. "No! no, yes— I, not like that— shut up." Beomgyu covered his blush.

He heard Taehyun laugh and take away his hands from his flustered face. Taehyun's thumb traced lazy circles on the back of Beomgyu's palm. The blush has spread from his face to his entire body.

Taehyun loved the effect he had on Beomgyu.

The elder loved the feel of Taehyun's skin on his own, it was comforting. It reminded him that whenever he was with Taehyun, he was never alone.

But still, a black hole swallowed Beomgyu's confidence. "I'm wasting your time, Taehyun. I'm not worth it."

"Stop saying that."

Taehyun's words accompanied by him patting Beomgyu's fluffy hair almost made Beomgyu believe he truly was worth it.

-

He was worth it, because he was Taehyun's ticket to entering a team, a brotherhood that promised him security, both in the emotional and financial sense.

Beomgyu was quietly studying— rather, staring at the words printed on their school book, he wasn't absorbing anything.

Mostly, he was worried that no one would willingly partner with him in a project next week because, he had no friends. Loner.

Many students knew Taehyun and Beomgyu were close, but no one questioned it. Except for Beomgyu. If he was close to Taehyun, then why didn't Taehyun's friends socialize with him?

He checked his phone and, as expected, Taehyun texted.

**_Taehyun:_ ** _Hi hyung! There's a party in my house tonight. Are you free?_

**_Beomgyu:_ ** _you know I don't do parties_

**_Taehyun:_ ** _My friends are here, beommie hyunggg! They'd love to meet you_

**_Beomgyu:_ ** _why the sudden interest? As far as I know your friends don't care about me_

**_Taehyun:_ ** _they do!!! They're just shy to admit it._

**_Beomgyu:_ ** _I'm boring, tyun. I don't like alcohol and the loud music_

**_Taehyun:_ ** _hyung I hate those things too. Just come here so I won't have to hate those things alone_

Beomgyu's heart grew soft, and soon he arrived in Taehyun's home. The blaring red and blue lights that came from the inside, shone on the surface of the grass on Taehyun's front yard.

It was 8pm, the party has just started, but there were already people passed out on the lawn. A guy was walking around like a zombie, an entire bottle of alcohol in his hands.

The door was left open, so Beomgyu stepped inside.

"Yoooow~" A drunken voice slurred. An arm was slung around Beomgyu's shoulder. Thankfully, the man was drunk and Beomgyu was able to shimmy away.

"Hey, Taehyun-ah!" The same voice yelled over the booming music, "Your boyfriend's here!"

Beomgyu was confused at the label. Boyfriend?

"Ah," Taehyun spike from behind him, "Don't mind Soobin-hyung. He's... a bit weird when he gets drunk."

The newcomer did a double take. "Soobin? _That_ was Choi Soobin?"

Beomgyu searched the crowd for the tipsy person who went all clingy-mode on him earlier.

"In the flesh, Gyu-hyung. Don't worry, I can't recognize him when he's like this either."

Soobin's hair was all over the place. He was wearing a black shirt with a chain that glistened around his neck. But his smile was still the same, the same grin that came across his face when someone complimented an article he wrote, was the same grin that matched his not-so-innocent moves on the dance floor.

"Sometimes I refuse to accept that Soobin-hyung is the editor-in-chief of _Tudurow._ He gets vulgar when he's like this, hyung."

Seeing a model student like that, made Beomgyu question how easily people can switch from being softhearted to an animal in seconds.

The next song, which happened to be hard metal music, blared through the speakers. The crowd turned wild, and Beomgyu instinctively covered his ears.

"Let's go somewhere quiet." Beomgyu read Taehyun's lips, since the volume of the music distorted the words Taehyun uttered.

-

They ended up in Taehyun's front lawn, where the house's walls muffled the vibrations of the sounds. There were no people outside anymore (save for the ones who passed out early on), it seemed to be the music and lights attracted their drunk asses like how light attracts a moth.

"Why did you invite me if we're only going to sit outside?" Beomgyu faced Taehyun as they walked towards a bench right behind the trees that littered his front yard.

Taehyun gestured for Beomgyu to take a seat on the bench before him, as he quickly followed suit. The place was secluded, like a private room in itself.

It took Taehyun a while to formulate an answer. There was a worried look on Taehyun's face, but it disappeared as soon as it came. In it's place was a cocky smirk.

"You _want_ to go back in there?"

"Hmm, no. I kind of like being alone here. With you," Beomgyu whispered.

Taehyun leaned on the bench's backrest, his arm prepping him sideways, facing Beomgyu, who was anxiously fiddling with his fingers.

"You know, if Soobin-hyung hasn't been so insistent, I could've just invited you here without a party. I just thought, might as well hit two birds with one stone."

Beomgyu bit the inside of his cheek. "Yeah, I'd prefer that too. Look, Tae." Beomgyu's eyes lit up and beamed at the crescent moon in the sky.

Taehyun didn't look at the moon, he was focused on the task at hand— Beomgyu.

"The moon, it's beautiful." Beomgyu admires the white moon that contrasted with the dark sky, the absence of stars making the night darker than it already was.

The rustling in the bushes in front of them snapped Taehyun back into reality after staring at Beomgyu for so long.

He slowly inched his hand closer to Beomgyu's, which was resting on his lap. His initial reaction was to pull his hand away, but Taehyun caught it before he even could.

Beomgyu anticipated what Taehyun was going to do next, shocked that it was actually a sweet gesture. Taehyun's hair fell over his eyes as he placed a kiss on Beomgyu's knuckles.

Taehyun looked up at him, lids hooded. Their eyes connected again, and after a second, Taehyun's gaze dropped to his lips.

Beomgyu was innocent when it came to these kinds of things. The kiss that ensued after Taehyun's longing stare at his lips? Beomgyu didn't see that coming.

Like everything else, this was unfamiliar territory. Beomgyu didn't know a single thing when it came to kissing since no one has ever been interested in him before— here's what he did know, though: Taehyun's lips were addicting.

The flutter in Beomgyu's chest intensified. If not for the bench, he was sure his knees were too weak to support his weight. Taehyun's slightly chapped lips were motionless, but Beomgyu was already hot all over.

A flash of light in Beomgyu's peripheral made him flinch away. He surveyed the area, quickly looking around.

"What was that?" He mumbled out loud.

"Hmm," Taehyun hummed and wrapped his arm around Beomgyu's front, "That's probably just a car's headlights."

"What if someone's watching us, Tae? Shit, I think someone is." Beomgyu put his hand on the arm around his waist with the intention of pulling away in case there _was_ someone watching.

"Beomgyu-hyung, no one is there."

He decided to give Taehyun the benefit of the doubt and just like that, their lips met again. The arm that prepped Taehyun on the backrest moved behind Beomgyu, resting on the bulk of his head as he reassuringly stroked the elder's hair.

Although this was Beomgyu's first time, he wasn't doing bad. In fact, it shocked Taehyun how compliant he was with moving along the flow.

It was all lips, until it wasn't. Taehyun's tongue moved past his mouth. His hand, which was still on the curve of the other's head, encouraged Beomgyu to part his lips to deepen the kiss.

Fuck, Beomgyu wished oxygen would stop being such a necessity. Taehyun disconnected, lower lip swollen and wet, to inhale much needed air.

A millisecond of patience, that was all Beomgyu could muster before he tugged on Taehyun's shirt— pulling him back in.

It was Beomgyu's turn to reciprocate the kiss, loving the blissful sensation that bloomed in him as he dug his tongue deeper.

Again, oxygen. "Fuck you're good at this," Taehyun said, his remark making Beomgyu smirk.

"Learned from the best, Tae. Apparently I'm a quick learne—"

"Talkative," Taehyun said and there they were again, in the darkness, giving open-mouthed kisses to each other.

_This was so much better than drinking from a beer bottle._

He has dreamed of his first kiss, dreamed of Taehyun actually. His dream has come to life.

Until... it was time to wake up from it.

_Flash! Snap!_

Beomgyu ripped his face from Taehyun's, eyes fixating on... a person, a tripod in front of him.

Song Mingi. A well-known member of the ZEETA fraternity.

Nothing was sinking in on Beomgyu, he continued to stare into the camera.

Beomgyu shot up, his eyes darting between Taehyun and Mingi.

Tears brimmed in Beomgyu's eyes. He needed no explanation, or maybe he did. Or maybe he understood.

-

"Congratulations, Taehyun. Officially part of the team now," Hongjoong, the frat's head said, taking out a printed photo of him and Beomgyu locking lips in the dark.

"You won't regret joining us, Taehyun, welcome," said Mingi.

The picture in his hands stayed back-side up. He couldn't bare to look at it.

He has lead Beomgyu on for months, only to exploit him, and earn himself a spot in the frat. A frat that required a messed-up, fucked up initiation.

Soon, Taehyun got over the guilt. Too soon.

Birds on the same feather flock together, and in the blink of an eye, the Taehyun Beomgyu's heart grew fond of, morphed into a monster that thought too highly of himself.

——————

**_ "Even after I die, maybe Taehyun would still have that picture for everyone to see. Like taking advantage of me was some kind of trophy. _ **

**_ Because of what he did, no one would even look at me. If I was alone before I met him, I was even more isolated after news got out. _ **

**_ News that came from Taehyun himself; apparently, he wanted everyone to think all those dirty fucking thoughts about me. _ **

**_ He boasted about getting to third base with me, but hyung, you have to believe all we did was kiss. _ **

**_ If we had done more than that, maybe I never would've met you because it might've caused me to jump off a building. _ **

**_ Kang Taehyun was the fucking starting point, the gust of wind that caused a landslide. _ **

**_ Jun hyung, you have reached the end of the first tape. If you think it couldn't get fucking worse than this, oh, my Hell has only just begun." _ **


	6. Tape 1, Side B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing. Mentions of suicide. Offensive words.

Taehyun barely had a wink of sleep.

What he did to Beomgyu was terrible. He thought Beomgyu has forgotten about it, but let's be honest here— who would forget about something like that?

It was different-- hearing Beomgyu's voice saying things, speaking his thoughts about Taehyun. The entire time Beomgyu spoke bitterly in his ears, he was crying, tears that hurt his eyes rather than provide him catharsis.

"Taehyun! It's time for breakfast." His mother knocked on his door.

Apparently, Taehyun was half asleep the whole night. He didn't remove the tape from the player... he just stared at the ceiling the entire time, remembering every detail of what Beomgyu had said.

Taehyun didn't feel like going to school.

"Taehyun? You're going to be late." But he was still disciplined. Many of his juniors looked up to him, and an absence from a class might take away his chances at being the batch's valedictorian.

He began to question whether a person like him deserved to be someone's role model. If he deserved having his name written on the principal's list.

He never should've joined ZEETA. Maybe Beomgyu would be alive, maybe... Taehyun would feel differently towards him. Well, he did.

Taehyun has always _felt things_ for Beomgyu, and maybe that's why Taehyun chose him. It was stupid. Taehyun was so stupid for thinking Beomgyu would get over it.

Taehyun was so stupid for letting his fucking pride take over.

_"What if I don't want to join you guys?" Taehyun threw back a question to Hongjoong , who approached him in the cafeteria where he was eating with Soobin._

_"C'mon, Tyun. It's all support and parties. We'll help each other, everyone benefits from everyone, besides, I'm already one of them," Soobin said._

_"Just because you're there doesn't mean I'll join you. Frats are fucked up--"_

_"Then let's be fucked up together," Hongjoong replied, leaning a hand on the table._

_"Nah, I can handle myself. I don't need dicks like you, you'll probably get me expelled or something. At the very least, I'd get caught up in the fucked up shit you guys do."_

_Hongjoong looked back towards Soobin, quirking an eyebrow. "Does he usually swear this much, Soobin?"_

_"No, he's just stressed. There's this test he hasn't studied for because his cat passed away."_

_Taehyun snickered. "Yeah, and that test is right after break, so please let me eat in peace so I can review--"_

_"You're Kang Taehyun, do you even need to study?" Hongjoong continued to feed Taehyun's ego._

_"I can't lose to Chaeryeong. If I make as much as one mistake, I'd lose my spot."_

_"So what if you lose?" Hongjoong pressed. His eagerness to recruit Taehyun wouldn't baffle anyone in the school, it was normal for the frat to have the insanely talented, skilled, and smart as a brother. Soobin was one of those people, being the EIC, he already had many connections._

_Soobin gave Taehyun a sympathetic look. That face of sympathy was first of the many reasons Taehyun worked through his initiation._

_Taehyun's family isn't exactly... financially stable. Both he and his mother have been depending on his father, and lately, Taehyun has found out that his father was cheating. He couldn't bring himself to tell his mother, because everything would go to shit._

_Without his father, Taehyun might not be able to finish his studies in the prestigious school of TDC._

_"They would choose her instead of me. I need the full scholarship, being the salutatorian will only give me half, and I don't think we can afford that once..."_

_"Once what?" Hongjoong seemed to be rubbing salt into the wound Taehyun tried to ignore._

_"I'm not obliged to fucking tell you."_

_"All right, then Taehyun." Hongjoong took out his phone and sent a file to Taehyun's email._

_Before walking away to join his friends, Hongjoong said, "Think about joining us, Taehyun. You're welcome anytime."_

_Ping!_

_His cell vibrated, it was a word file... of his upcoming exam._

_"Like what you see there?" Soobin asked. Taehyun instantly locked his phone in fear that a CCTV, or an administrator would peek into his screen and see the answer key._

_"No, Soobin I fucking don't, this will get me in trouble!"_

_"It won't if you start memorizing it, and then delete it from your phone afterwards. I suggest you start with the trick questions-- the ones Chaeryeong wouldn't be able to answer."_

_-_

Taehyun skipped breakfast. More like, he didn't want to face his mom in fear he would slip up and accidentally tell her about his father's adultery.

The seven tapes and player made his already heavy bag heavier against his slumped shoulders.

"Tyun!" Soobin. He met him halfway to the entrance, and as a habit, Taehyun took Soobin's arm and held onto it as they walked. Because of the gesture, Soobin knew something was up. Either that, or Taehyun was sick and needed to go to the nurse's office.

They entered the gates of their school building.

_"Is it true? Would Beomgyu really do that to himself?"_

_"It's not like anything would change, no one cares about him here anyway."_

_"What if he was killed?"_

_"Hah, he really was killed. He killed himself."_

_"Serves the slut right. Such a waste of space and oxygen."_

" _Did us all a favor when he shot himself. It's like a blessing from above, ain't it?"_

Taehyun refused to believe his own hearing. If the ears can deceive you, rely on your eyes.

There, on Beomgyu's locker were flowers, small teddy bears, and of course, his picture. It was a memoriam.

The fucking audacity of these people to give Beomgyu letters and sad smiles— hypocrites, who only noticed Beomgyu now when he's _dead._

_Taehyun let Beomgyu die. Maybe he was still alive while he was listening to his own tape...? No. They said it was a gun. He couldn't have saved Beomgyu._

That was an effect of listening to the fucking tapes— would make you care for Beomgyu, and it would make you hate yourself, especially if you're mentioned in it. And Taehyun was only on the first.

-

"Taehyun, let me congratulate you in advance," his English teacher, Mr. Kim Namjoon said when he called Taehyun over to the teacher's table right before dismissal.

"For what, sir?"

"Your grades. They've sky rocketed and beat Chaeryeong by a great number. The gap between the both of you has grown. There's no question who would be the valedict."

Taehyun should be jumping for joy, right? Heck, he should be ecstatic and screaming his heart out in the corridor, but... Beomgyu...

Taehyun doesn't deserve this. Hongjoong has forwarded almost eight answer keys to Taehyun, one being the correct answers to their quarterly finals. This was not all purely his own work and effort...

Fuck guilt.

"Oh, uhh, thanks sir... I must go now." He said courteously as he bowed and pulled his bag over his shoulders.

He went to the boy's comfort room and locked himself in a cubicle. He took out the first tape and flipped it to Side B.

He wasn't patient enough to go home and listen to it there. He wanted to know what tipped Beomgyu over the edge.

-  
 ** _"Yeonjun-hyung, I really hope you're still listening and not canoodling with the guy you chose over me. Haha... uhm..._**

**_ So you know how my grades matter to me, right? Or... or maybe you don't— whatever just... school is shit. _ **

**_ Whoever said school was the second home? Whoever that person is might've had a great time with friends. _ **

**_ Who the fuck had the idea that teachers are our second parents? They don't even come close. _ **

**_ If our teachers were my real parents, then I would be living in a broken and abusive family because fuck this. _ **

**_ I've worked so hard, tried to put the shit with Taehyun behind me, for my grades— for the numbers that would define my future. _ **

**_ But one fucking professor took that away from me because he favored the popular ones, the ones who weren't outcasted by the entire student body. _ **

**_ I don't deserve the grades he fucking gave me. Call me a boast or whatnot, but I may suck at math, but I know my capabilities. I fucking know that my grammar and fucking thousand-word essays  _ ** **_ don't _ ** **_ merit a 75 on my card. I deserve at least 85 considering he fucking hates me. _ **

**_ All I did was answer back because I couldn't take his fucking humiliation anymore, and he makes me fail the subject? Just because he has an IQ of 148 doesn't mean I am a total idiot. _ **

**_ His boyfriend would hate me for saying this, not that he would hear this anyway Jun-hyung, but Kim Namjoon is the epitome of injustice. _ ** **_ He deserves to be fucking fired. _ ** **_ " _ **


	7. Now Playing: Tape 1, Side B

**_ "Kim Namjoon is the epitome of injustice. He deserves to be fucking fired." _ **

Taehyun didn't expect his favorite teacher to be mentioned on Beomgyu's tapes— but then, even the best-smelling roses rot. At this point, Taehyun deduced that anyone, no matter how clean their reputation is, could have had a hand in Beomgyu's self destruction.

Still cramped in the cubicle, he continued to listen.

**_ "I never cheated. Never did nor passed anything that I copied from somewhere. I don't even use those crappy sites that 'help fix my grammar and redundancy'. _ **

**_ Hyung, I don't think I know the feeling of fulfillment anymore. It's as if everything I fucking do is a mess, a failure. _ **

**_ Much like me. _ **

**_ Professors are supposed to help students improve, not drag them deeper down into a spiral of their own mistakes instead of giving constructive criticisms. _ **

**_ Mr. Kim has called me stupid—both directly and indirectly— so many times that I have stopped counting. _ **

**_ They say that if something is said a lot of times, it's as good as real. So maybe I am stupid. Good for nothing. Pea brained idiot." _ **

-

Taehyun tucked the player back inside his backpack, his only agenda being to get home and lock himself in his room, and continue listening. So, he took out his hoodie and wore it, putting the hood over his head.

He exited the washroom and walked in the corridor that lead straight to the school's gates.

The hallway was empty, the other students have already gone home. Taehyun has lost track of the time he spent inside the cubicle.

He couldn't help it... his feet led him to Beomgyu's memoriam.

The flowers have multiplied, and now, there were printouts and artworks dedicated to him, along with the words "Rest in Peace", "You will be missed" and—

"No! You know what?! Fuck you! I could've been happy with him if _you_ didn't decide to fucking show up! Maybe he would still be alive!"

Taehyun jumped to his feet and hid in another corridor near the locker. The voices were coming nearer.

"Yeonjun, I didn't fucking force you to chose me. It was your free will! But you chose me and now here you are, putting all the blame on me!"

A louder voice.

Taehyun heard Yeonjun scoff, his footsteps becoming hasty stomps as they continued to argue.

"I fucking _know_ you. I know you too well and I hate it. If I didn't choose you, you would have killed Beomgyu anyway!"

"Yeonjun, I am not a fucking murderer! You're exaggerating! You were the last one who came out of Beomgyu's damn house! If someone's getting a fused of murder here, that would be you."

"Oh, fuck off! You and those ZEETA thugs are capable of god knows what— you fucking broke him, and I care so fucking much about Beomgyu! What was I supposed to do aside from choose you!" The blonde yelled at the top of his lungs. Taehyun could tell Yeonjun was already crying.

"Why didn't you run after Beomgyu then, Yeonjun? Quit playing the hero and face the fact that you've never loved him."

"If I ran after him you will still break my face and my reputation and fuck with everything, okay?!" Yeonjun paused.

"Right... Yeonjun... I'm sorry. Let's just pretend we never had this conversation," the other guy said. From the angle Taehyun was at, it seemed like the both of them hugged. Well, it was mostly the other guy who had his arms wrapped around Yeonjun.

Taehyun was itching to see who it was, but if he moved from his place, he would be caught eavesdropping.

Taehyun thinks he already knows who it was...

Just before his suspicions could be confirmed, the two people he was watching walked towards the other direction, probably to the field.

"Tyun! There you are. Your mom texted me, wondered why you weren't home yet." Soobin pulled the back of my bag and dragged me outside, while my eyes were still trained onto the path Yeonjun and his... boyfriend exited to.

Who the fuck was that manipulative bastard?

He would have his answer soon.

But for now, Taehyun must get home.


	8. The Stigma

Once a cheater, always a cheater. That was the stigma, the mark of disgrace Choi Beomgyu had to carry, all because of Mr. Kim.

He and the entire class were taking a test, and for some reason, Mr. Kim kept his eyes trained on Beomgyu. Fixated on him as if anytime he would look to his side and copy answers off his classmate's paper.

This always happened, it all started from the stares and looks from Mr. Kim that made Beomgyu feel inferior and doubt himself. Mr. Kim always looked down on Beomgyu.

Maybe Mr. Kim's prejudice was brought about by Beomgyu himself. He was too shy to make friends... not that anyone wanted to be his friend after Taehyun...

There goes another stigma. The loners are always the losers. And Kim Namjoon does not tolerate losers.

Beomgyu's pencil rolled off his desk while he rubbed the eraser on his paper to undo an entire sentence he wasn't satisfied with on the essay.

When Beomgyu leaned down to pick it up, the teacher's voice boomed in the air.

"Choi Beomgyu."

Fuck. What now? Beomgyu didn't want to look up. The entire class was probably eyeing him already, wanting to see him get humiliated first-hand. Sick bastards.

"Sorry, sorry sir. I dropped my pencil." He turned back to his test, only for Namjoon to stand up from his table up front and walk towards the boy.

Namjoon, all with his intimidating stare, looked down on Beomgyu yet again, gaze averting from Beomgyu towards a piece of paper, crumpled right under Beomgyu's desk.

Beomgyu noticed this and picked it up.

"Sir, I'm sorry, I didn't see there was litter—"

"Litter?" Namjoon repeated in disbelief. He took the ball of paper into his own hands and unfurled it.

1.A

2.D

3.C

Namjoon didn't have to finish reading the lengthwise sheet to know it was a written copy of his answer key.

"Beomgyu, I expected better of you."

Fucking lie. He was just manipulating his students, the ears that could hear him, into thinking Beomgyu was worse than he already was.

"Sir, that isn't mine, please believe me."

"It's obvious, Beomgyu. We all saw it didn't we?" He asked the class as an open question.

"I said it's not mine!" Beomgyu raised his voice... realizing his mistake, he lowered it again. "Please, believe me I didn't even touch it."

It was a shot to the moon that Namjoon would believe him. Course he didn't.

"Meet me in my office later Beomgyu, let's have a talk."

-

That was all for the sake of show, though. Namjoon never talked to Beomgyu.

You know what? Namjoon didn't even forward the incident to the principal. Instead, Namjoon dangled the "cheating case" above his head as leverage.

Because giving Beomgyu bad grades, and possibly making him fail high school was _way_ better than giving him an F in integrity. The pull-down was too great since Mr. Kim's subject was 3 full units on his report card.

Oh? And it didn't stop there. Namjoon didn't stop at calling Beomgyu an alleged cheater.

-

**_ "Yeonjun-hyung... when my parents asked me about why I was failing English... I couldn't tell them anything. I don't know, maybe I've accepted the fact that no one will believe me. _ **

**_ They'd rather believe the lies of someone else... everyone does. _ **

**_ So they did what any concerned parent would do— they fucking arranged a meeting with Mr. Kim. And of fucking course they believed him when he told them I was failing because my project was copy and pasted from the internet. _ **

**_ He also told them that I have plagiarized one of my classmates flash-fiction stories, which I did not. _ **

**_ It hurts, to pour all your fucking effort just to be called out for plagiarizing, which I did not and will not ever commit. _ **

**_ Jun-hyung...  _ ** **_ if I  _ ** **_ don't manage to leave this wretched world, I wouldn't be able to graduate anyway. So... there's not really much to lose." _ **


	9. Tape 2, Side A

Taehyun walked to his home, more like, dragged his feet across the long pavement- he was exhausted.

Beomgyu's tapes may have contributed to his exhaustion... along with this, his family problems swarmed his brain as he unlocked his house's door.

Could he really rely on the support ZEETA could provide? What if-

Before Beomgyu could pull open the door, someone else from the inside beat him to it. He was face to face with... his father's second woman.

The lady excused herself, and Taehyun numbly stepped aside for her. When she disappeared across the street, Taehyun stomped into his house and went straight to his cheating father.

"Appa." Taehyun towered over his father, who was still half asleep and shirtless on his bed.

"Damn it, fucking wake up,"Taehyun uttered, walking back and switching on the room's lights. The eyes of his dad squinted.

"Tyun,... what did we agree about on privacy?"

Taehyun shoved off his bag with a thud, not caring about the loud sound the tapes made when the bag collided with the floor.

"Fuck privacy!" Taehyun yelled, he was stressed. For the past months he has watched his mother shower his father with love, only for the latter to give that love to someone else.

His father sensed what Taehyun was on about.

"Taehyun, don't worry yourself. As long as both of us keep quiet about this, everyone's happy."

"I'm not. I won't ever be happy about this, Appa."

"Says the one who took advantage of that Choi kid to get into a frat." His father said, not bothering to filter his words, the thought of it hitting Taehyun hard.

"Dad... how... how did you find out about that?"

"I've known for quite a while," he smirked.

"Now, we wouldn't want your mother knowing that her sweet, smart, and loving son could do such a thing, would we?"

Taehyun froze. Fuck this. Fuck leverage.

He couldn't squeal his father's affair to his mother, he couldn't afford being a disappointment. _Not_ joining a frat was his mother's only request and he blew it. Great going.

Was there a way Taehyun could outsmart his father? Maybe. He looked at the (for lack of a better term) positive side of things.

The longer this went on, the longer his mother doesn't know about his father's adulterous rendezvous, the longer he could stay in the TDC University without worrying about being indebted to ZEETA.

"Fine," Taehyun concluded, "but once mom finds out for herself get the fuck out of here."

His father scoffed in mockery. He knew Taehyun didn't mean it.

-

The stack of tape recordings stacked on his table hit different. Especially with the knowledge of Beomgyu being dead.

Was there even a point in listening if he couldn't save Beomgyu anymore?

But then again, curiosity took over. Beomgyu's life may be finished, but his story isn't.

He took the second tape, flipping it to side A.

-

**_ "Are you still listening? Well I sure hope so... kinda makes me wonder... if I talked about my happy memories, would people care? Would you care? _ **

**_ Not like I have any happy memories to say. Well, I have a few, but they're mostly just caused by jokes I found on the internet, and because of my second passion. _ **

**_ Dancing. _ **

**_ Hyung, you know how much I love dancing, right? My love for the Art is the reason why I ran to it when I felt alone. _ **

**_ Before you came... Love wasn't a person to me. I didn't have a person to feel safe with, to be comfortable with. _ **

**_ All I had was music. The rhythm, the rhyme, the beat, the melody. The movements I made while following its flow. _ **

**_ I thought dance and music had my back. I thought that, maybe if I put all my love into an abstract thing, maybe my trust and passion, my happiness and glee would be safe with it. _ **

**_ Again, I thought wrong. _ **

**_ First of all, I didn't learn to dance by myself, so of course, even though I was never aware of it, I have always related a certain person to the concept of dancing. _ **

**_ In this world, people always get involved. Always get in the way. _ **

**_ Do you have any idea who I'm referring to yet, Jun-hyung? _ **

**_ If not, well let me give you a clue. _ **

**_ He's the one who never gave up on me, the one who coaxed the sadness out of me... the one who treated me like a younger brother... the one who always had faith in me... until YOU came. _ **

**_ The first one who chose someone better over me. _ **

**_ Your dance instructor, Jung Hoseok." _ **


	10. Now Playing: Tape 2, Side A

** "Your ** **** ** dance ** **** ** instructor, ** **** ** Jung ** **** ** Hoseok ** . ** " **

Taehyun had the whole night to miss Beomgyu and feel sorry for him, and drown in his own guilt.

**_ "I was so... sad that day _ ** . **_ Maybe it was because of the constant stares of our batchmates, maybe it was because I've always had a target behind my back and everyone was waiting for someone to hit the bull's eye to finally break me. _ **

**_ I wasn't into dancing at first, but then again... most of us tend to judge things just as we judge people. Too quickly.  _ **

**_ My parents didn't appreciate the fact that my only pass-time were video games and playing with friends outside our home. They said wasn't productive and would only train me to slack. So, at the age of seven-- I think? They enrolled me in a dance class. _ **

**_ I hated my first tutor... I don't really remember her name but she wasn't appreciative of my efforts, I mean-- I was a kid, it was my first time dancing. She was probably the least patient person in the world. _ **

**_ I was twelve years old when I knew I wanted to quit. Maybe dancing wasn't for me. But... fortunately, or unfortunately...? A new dance instructor came. That new instructor is Hoseok hyung. Or as I hear you call him, Hobi.  _ **

**_ He told me not to give up. He offered help. He helped me find comfort in the art of dance.  _ **

**_ Now that I think of it, maybe he was only putting up with me because he was getting paid to do so. Besides, there weren't many students in the dance school my parents threw me into. _ **

**_ There weren't really any good dancers. _ **

**_ After months, I began to warm up to Hoseok hyung. During times my mother and I would fight, I'd go running to him. Whenever there was a bully who wanted my food, he would talk to that bully and he would never mess with me again.  _ **

**_ There would be nights when I couldn't sleep and I'd text him. He would sometimes offer to play an online multiplayer game to exhaust me and get me to sleep. On other nights, we would just chat about the world.  _ **

**_ More time passed and I became more confident with dancing. _ **

**_ But... we aren't here to talk about all the good times, aren't here to talk about the times Hoseok hyung and I spent gossiping about the other shitty dancers he encountered. _ **

**_ Fast track, shall we?  _ **

**_ Basically, I was feeling down in the dumps. I have just exited Mr. Kim's room where he told my parents of what a disgrace I was to the school after I allegedly plagiarized my project. _ **

**_ Of course, home was the last thing I'd go to. I was trying to avoid my parents.  _ **

**_ Where else to go? The dance studio. I wanted to chat with Hoseok hyung that day to make me feel better-- maybe we could even take a quick trip to the mall. _ **

**_ But when I got to the dance studio... he was busy with someone else. A new student, apparently. The student has just moved in and is apparently a great dancer. _ **

**_ You, Yeonjun hyung. He was busy with you. Maybe he's never seen a dancer as good as you... which only confirmed my suspicions that Hoseok hyung only talked to me because the other dancers were shit. _ **

**_ I couldn't really hate you for it, could I? However during that day, the day I first saw you... you were a red, sore wound-- a huge obstacle to my source of relief."  _ **


	11. The Better Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Thoughts and opinions on suicide. May be triggering for some readers.

The only two people in the world who swore to never look down on Beomgyu were his parents. Beomgyu didn't give that fact much thought since his parents were often gone anyway. Being the son of a rich couple and studying in a prestigious school put all the pressure on Beomgyu's shoulders.

Beomgyu was a good student, although he would often deny it to himself, he really was. He has achieved numerous awards in the field of writing and other mandatory talent shows both his parents and classmates would force him into joining.

He anxiously scratched his fingernails over the coarse material of the straps of his backpack. Beomgyu leaned on the wall across Mr. Kim's office door. 

He hoped to god his parents wouldn't believe whatever Mr. Kim had to say about him. About his 'plagiarism' and 'cheating' cases.

Would his parents side with the truth? Or buy a fabricated lie Namjoon created for the sole purpose of throwing him off the dean's list?

But, did his parents _really_ know him? Sure, they gave him his name, his identity, his _life--_ but did they know Beomgyu's personality? His soul? His inner being? The Beomgyu who would rather have a failing score than cheat?

Beomgyu was a man of integrity, unfortunately, his family was always on those business trips and meetings to acknowledge his morals.

"Thank you for informing us of our son's violations," Beomgyu heard his father say as Mr. Kim opened the door for the Chois to exit. 

_Shit._

"I can't believe my son would do anything like that," Mrs. Choi said, stepping out of the room and making eye contact with Beomgyu.

The boy could see the fucking smirk seeping from Namjoon's blank façade. 

_Shit._ They were disappointed in him. The last time this happened, Beomgyu was grounded for a full week, his parents didn't allow him to go to school just to prove their point. Beomgyu understood, he was the heir to the business-- the last thing they'd want is a slacking leader.

But this time, Beomgyu wasn't guilty of anything. That was his work. Before his father could grab his wrist and pull him into their car to drive home, Beomgyu took off. 

He dashed through the hallway, he didn't care that students looked at him, _pathetic._

Turning left, he finally saw the light at the end of the corridor, one of their school's exit gates. He dashed through the cars in the carpark, he knew where he wanted to go. 

Where he needed to go-- the one person who would hear him out, who would lend him his ears while he would rant endlessly-- Hoseok.

Tears cascaded down his face, he darted across the streets, his steps leading him to his destination. His mind was so set on getting to his safe place that he barely noticed the stares of people, the cars that stopped mid-drive after seeing a student of TDC running through the pavements with tearstained cheeks and a downtrodden face.

For once, Beomgyu disregarded their faces of interest and curiosity and focused on arriving at the dance studio on time to catch Hoseok on his break.

Finally, he saw the familiar establishment materializing in front of him as he ran nearer. 

Pushing the door open, the cold AC hit his skin, and only now did he think of catching his breath. Slinging his bag off his shoulder, he signed his name over the sheet by the lobby to prove his presence. 

"Is Hoseok-hyung here?" Beomgyu asked the receptionist while signing over his name. The receptionist merely grunted in agreement, Beomgyu didn't give it much thought since he was used to being ignored anyway.

A small smile crept up to Beomgyu's face at the knowledge that all his running payed off-- he'd made it on time.

He continued to walk deeper into the building, past the gym, past the small canteen, and he turned left to push open the door to the dance studio.

"Hoseok-hyung?" Beomgyu called, but he was not there. Instead, he was met with the usual yellow lights and the huge mirror that made up for the opposite wall, an upbeat song... and something else.

Someone else. A new student, perhaps? His suspicions were confirmed when he fully stepped inside the dance room and saw a boy dancing to the music at the far end of the room. 

He wore grey sweatpants, white converse, a sweatshirt... but that wasnt what caught Beomgyu's attention. 

It was the was he danced. The guy wasn't looking at himself in the mirror, but he was dancing like the beat was the thrum of his heart. It was a technique Hoseok taught Beomgyu, _when you dance, focus on your own movements, not the mirror, so that you'd be used to the dance even without seeing your own reflection._

Did Hoseok teach this guy the same thing? 

His feet created squeaks as his feet glided on the glossy floor of the dance room. If Beomgyu wasn't a regular here, he'd think this guy was an instructor, not a student.

The guys seemed to notice him and stopped dancing, simultaneously snapping Beomgyu out of his trance.

"Hello," the stranger faced Beomgyu, running a hand through his hair and filching out his phone to pause the music that was playing from the device. Beomgyu, who wasn't used to human interaction remained silent. The guy walked closer to him, smiling.

He held out a hand. "Choi Yeonjun," he introduced himself, expecting Beomgyu to shake his hand. Yeonjun chuckled to himself when Beomgyu didn't answer his request for a handshake. Yeonjun retracted his hand and smiled wider. "Shy type?" he queried, and that was when Beomgyu snapped out of his antisocial trance.

Beomgyu hated people, sure, but he wasn't a shy type. If people were to approach him first, he'd reply, he'd answer, he'd even be a friend (this is why he often gets taken advantage of, he's too trusting). Although Beomgyu never made the first move to talk to someone, he wasn't an introvert.

Maybe his lack of friends and being treated as an outcast has just forced him into an introverted lifestyle.

"No, no..." Beomgyu shook his head and reached out his own hand as Yeonjun gladly shook it. Beomgyu continued, "I was just confused... are you new here?"

Beomgyu found himself in the unfamiliar place of beginning the conversation. Making another possible friend.

_Beomgyu, don't trust too much. This is just a friendly conversation, but he isn't your friend. You have no friends._

"Yes, we have just moved in, and I figured I would enroll myself here," Yeonjun pulled his hand away, letting it fall to his side. "And judging from the mark on your lanyard, I'm guessing we will be attending the same school?"

_No, Yeonjun was destined to hate me._

If he were to study in TDC where all the rumors about Beomgyu were the hot topic, Yeonjun would not want to be anywhere near him. All the hopes of finding a new casual acquaintance in this place aside from Hoseok crumbled into nothing.

"Yeah... same school..." Beomgyu trailed off. 

This dance studio was Beomgyu's only escape from TDC, and now here was _Choi Yeonjun,_ an upcoming bridge between Beomgyu's safe haven and Beomgyu's torture chamber. 

"Aren't you happy? This fine piece of ass is gonna be your schoolmate," Yeonjun said, pointing his fingers at himself and flaunting his face. Beomgyu raised an eyebrow at him.

Yeonjun was _definitely_ something else. 

"Oh, c'mon soon-to-be-best-buddy, don't be so stuck up, I don't even know your name yet--"

"Best buddy," Beomgyu whispered to himself. Yeonjun has just met him, and he was already-- unknowingly signing his life away by calling Beomgyu his 'buddy'. "Don't call me that in school, Yeonjun-ssi. Actually... try not talking to me in school, yeah?"

Yeonjun replied, confused, "You seem cool, why would anyone be ashamed of calling you their friend? Also, since you are the first TDC student I ever met, would you do the honors of escorting me to the school's gates and giving this handsome visual a tour of the campus?"

"How many times in a day do you call yourself handsome, Yeonjun-ssi?"

"Only when I know the person I'm talking to thinks the same."

"But I don't--"

"So you think I'm ugly?" Yeonjun snapped comically.

"No--"

"Don't deny it, I saw the way you were staring at me while I danced, I saw your reflection. No worries, though it's totally fine, I mean, I stare at Hobi hyung when he dances, too but like-- not in the way you stared at me...? Am I making sense?"

"Hobi hyung? Who's that--" The door behind Beomgyu creaked open, and Hoseok entered, tapping Beomgyu's shoulder as a sign of acknowledgement as he walked further inside the room to adjust the AC. 

"That would be me, Beomgyu. Yeonjun here loves giving people nicknames, I wouldn't be surprised if he makes a silly one for you." Hoseok turned and his eyes darted from Yeonjun to Beomgyu, "You've introduced yourselves, right?"

"Oh," Beomgyu decided it was deemed polite to let Yeonjun know his name, even though there was a connotation attached to it in TDC's walls, "I'm Choi Beomgyu."

Hoseok grinned and called Yeonjun. "Beomgyu," Hoseok said, "It's Yeonjun's schedule today... may I ask why you're here?"

"I... I actually wanted to talk to you... about something."

Beomgyu thought he saw Hoseok roll his eyes, but maybe Beomgyu's own vision could be deceiving him since he still hasn't gotten over the fact that his parents believed Namjoon's lie. 

"Oh, well, can it wait? Until after Yeonjun's session. he's new here so I still need to check where we would start, or what songs and dancing style he would be into."

Was his Hoseok hyung dismissing him? 

"But--" _I feel like killing myself already._

Beomgyu croaked out, "Hyung, even just ten minutes? I'm sure Yeonjun-ssi wouldn't mind."

Hoseok turned to look at Yeonjun. The latter shrugged, "I don't mind."

"But ten minutes is ten minutes. Go home, Beomgyu. I promise I'd give you a call after this schedule."

Why was Hoseok so keen on shooing him away? _I want to die, I can't stand seeing my parents today, please talk to me._

_Talk me out of it like you always do._

"You have a lot of potential, Yeonjun, and I mean, _a lot._ " Hoseok's voice was fading away as Beomgyu slowly brought himself away.

Hoseok never said anything like that to Beomgyu, nor did he say he was proud of him. And... here was Hoseok... just hours after meeting Yeonjun-- being absolutely whipped for Yeonjun's talent.

Of course, if Yeonjun were to join any contest hosted, he would win. And Hoseok would have credit, maybe even a raise for training such a good dancer.

That was the only thing Beomgyu had to hear to confirm that Hoseok has found a better song-- the better dancer who could dance to a better beat.

Beomgyu didn't listen to his parents' yells when he got home, being reprimanded at such a vulnerable state was the last thing he needed. He darted to his room and locked the door, his mother following close behind him and banging on the door of his four walls of self isolation.

"Choi Beomgyu, open up this door right this instant!" 

_No mom, you wouldn't want to see your son hanging from the ceiling, trust me on that. You're better locked out._

Beomgyu took out his headphones, plugged it in his phone and played some tunes at its highest level of volume. Drowning out everything, drowning himself inside his own abyss of misery was ironically comforting. 

He tried to battle himself, _I should end this. This is too much._

But was it, really? Too much? 

_Shut it Beomgyu, you've gone lived through Kang Taehyun, surely you'd live through Hoseok. This is mild... mild... Hoseok hasn't done anything scarring..._

He let his mind wander to the music that banged on his eardrums.

_Okay, I will get over this._

He waited for Hoseok's call. Trust me, he really did. 

But the call never came.

All Hoseok-- no, Hobi talked about since then was Yeonjun.

Even on Beomgyu's schedules. When Yeonjun wasn't needed, he was there, just _hanging out._

And... Hobi would gush over him, saying things like

_"You should watch Yeonjun dance sometimes, you might pick up some things along the way."_

_"Hm, no, we should change this song, it would fit Yeonjun more."_

_"Yeonjun, do you want to visit my house and play some VR with me sometime?"_

_"Jun, are you okay? You seem down... oh don't worry, grades are just grades, you'd probably have better luck next time."_

And Hoseok said all of those things in front of Beomgyu. Like he was showing Beomgyu _on purpose._ Like, he was drilling the fact that he likes Yeonjun better into Beomgyu's subconscious so it wouldn't hurt as much when Hoseok actually ditched him, regardless of their dance classes.

The worse part, though?

It was when Beomgyu told Hoseok he wanted to _quit dancing_. 

The worst part? 

Hoseok said _okay_. 


	12. Tape 2, Side B

**_ TW: sensitive themes, as usual. swearing. derogative words. _ **

How many more tapes did Taehyun have to listen to, and why was he even still listening? Simple. Curiosity. Maybe, there was a tinge of guilt somewhere in the mix, too. Okay, there was a _lot_ of guilt. 

As soon as the previous tape ended, he fell asleep with his headphones still plugged in. He thought the headphones would be enough to block the inevitable screaming he'd be hearing from his parents, but he thought wrong.

He still heard the muffled screaming.

His mother found out about his father's infidelity. 

Taehyun didn't want to deal with it, he had too much on his plate already. He was frustrated, tired, scared, angry and... grieving.

Beomgyu hated his guts, Taehyun himself shouldn't be caring about Beomgyu... but there was more to Beomgyu's story. Taehyun wondered if he was still a part of it. Despite being the first tape, Taehyun wondered if Beomgyu would still mention him along the way.

 _Did he want to hear Beomgyu mention him again?_ He did, and besides, the thought can't be helped.

Taehyun stayed in his bed, patiently waiting out the inevitable. He heard a final loud scream from his mother followed by a harsh slam of their door. His father left.

Taehyun could only hope he'd never come back... and that ZEETA would live up to their promise of support.

Speaking of ZEETA... how did he get himself into that group? He was so adamant on rejecting them... so why the hell did he join them and hurt poor Beomgyu? 

_"It's all parties, fun, and life, Taehyun," Soobin explained through the phone. Taehyun was busy studying, as usual. There was no upcoming test, Taehyun was simply like that._

_"Why should I entertain anything you're saying right now? You're drunk, Bin-hyung. Again, that is **so** unhealthy," Taehyun said, he sounded like a parent reprimanding their trouble child._

_"I'm not that drunk, Tyun. I'm just hanging out... y'know, a final night of freedom before tests and my parents come home from their year-long business trip."_

_"I bet my kidney you'd have a hangover tomorrow. Don't you have editorial articles due--"_

_"And I will write them, Eomma," Soobin said mockingly, drawing out the syllables like a stubborn kid._

_"And besides," a pause, "You came running to me the other night because you were scared you'd lose both your scholarship and money for your education in TDC. Join us, we'll have you covered."_

_"Right, hyung. I'm hanging up." And Taehyun did. he turned off his phone and resumed burying his nose inside a book. It would be a lie if Taehyun were to say he didn't consider it. Because he has played with the thought of it in his head._

_When Taehyun's mother came crying to him that night, at the fear of their father leaving and Taehyun stopping his education in TDC, Taehyun's mind was set._

_-_

_"What do I have to do?" Taehyun asked, taking Soobin by surprise. The taller boy didn't understand what Taehyun referred to at first. He raised his eyebrow._

_"Uh, what?"_

_"To be a part of ZEETA, Soobin. What am I supposed to do?" Taehyun's voice was hushed, as if he were afraid someone would hear. But almost everyone in the school wanted to join the frat and be recruited, if anything, he should be proud that ZEETA is practically courting him._

_"Ah," Soobin sighed, taking out his needed books from his grey locker, "I knew you'd come around. I knew you just needed time to--"_

_"Just tell me already."_

_The elder's features softened at his friend's desperate tone, "Uh, I don't know. The higher-ups are the ones who decide."_

_Soobin closed his locker, motioning to Taehyun for them to keep walking through the corridor to their next class._

_"Hyung, what did they make you do?"_

_Taehyun's heartfelt question silenced Soobin. He did a double take before replying, "You don't wanna know."_

_"If you don't tell me... then how am I supposed to prepare myself for what they're gonna make me do?"_

_"Rely on your determination, Taehyun."_

_Soobin paused._

_"The ends would justify the means," he continued. Taehyun's heart skipped a beat._

_Whatever the ZEETA superiors had in store for his initiation... was it **that** bad?_

_His hyung noticed the change in Taehyun's demeanor. "Okay, fine," Soobin said, nudging the younger, "If it makes you feel better. ZEETA asked me to publish something in the publication's official site. Anonymously."_

_Soobin stopped walking. "What I did... it messed me up. For days. I doubt you'd know about it since... you barely read the online broadsheets... and you stopped caring about Beom--" the elder stopped himself, "Yeah. That's it... they made me publish a libelous article."_

_"And... the admins never did anything about it? What the fuck, hyung?"_

_Soobin flinched at the harshness of Taehyun's voice._

_"ZEETA has a hold over the school's administration, Tyun. In case you haven't noticed. I'm starting to believe the principal hasn't ended the ZEETAs operations because he himself was a member in his time." Soobin leaned on the wall next to his classroom's door. The bell would ring soon._

_"Hyung... but you don't seem like a person who would write to destroy someone's reputation."_

_Taehyun wasn't aware of the weight of what Soobin had done, and he wondered how Soobin spoke of his initiation like a walk in the park._

_"Being in the frat would change you, Taehyun. Challenge you... take you out of your comfort zone."_

_Before Taehyun could reply, the school bell rang, signifying the start of their classes._

_-_

Alas, the day has come. The day that his father left his mother, leaving them both in financial distress. Taehyun cared about his mother, and her knowing the truth was probably better than living with a cheater for the rest of her days. 

Just like Mr. Kim had said, Taehyun had a high chance of being the school's valedict, hence giving maintaining his scholarship... all thanks to ZEETA.

Taehyun didn't feel like comforting his mother, he didn't even feel like comforting himself. 

Maybe deep inside, Taehyun thought he deserved the pain and guilt brought about by Beomgyu's tapes. 

He took the next tape and pressed play, still in his bed, hoping the universe would just swallow him whole.

**_ "Ah, but... I couldn't really hate Hoseok hyung. You were really a great student, anyway. I'm just a try hard. Speaking of you being great... this tape is all about you, Yeonjun hyung...  _ **

**_and how much I love you,_** " Beomgyu let out a chuckle, **_"Yeah, love. Even after you chose that ZEETA guy over me... I couldn't help myself. I still love you, until now. How's that for an unhealthy confession?_**

**_ I've never dabbled in that 'try to move on' bullshit. I mean... if I'm gonna leave soon and my heart and mind wants you to be the last one it remembers, then so be it. _ **

**_ You've always been the sort of person who'd win the heart of any one you'd come across. But you tried to win me over intentionally, didn't you? God, why didn't I learn my lesson? That... once someone tries to get my attention, it's usually only to take advantage of me, or hurt me... I should've learned from the shit Taehyun did.  _ **

**_ But, how could I ignore you?  _ **

**_ I'm gonna be honest here and say that I hated you for taking Hoseok hyung's attention. But don't worry, I'm used to it. I'm used to being temporary. Stupid of me to think you were going to stay for longer. _ **

**_ You noticed I resented you... so you tried your best to get closer to me. And it worked. _ **

**_ Until... you heard the rumors about me. Honestly, I thought the rumors about me being ZEETA's slut would cause you to avoid me. but you didn't. _ **

**_ And maybe that's why I love you.  _ **

**_ Because you're Choi Yeonjun, the one who... loved me... but didn't chose me." _ **


	13. Now Playing: Tape 2, Side B

**_ "And maybe that's why I love you. _ **

**_ Because you're Choi Yeonjun, the one who... loved me... but didn't chose me." _ **

Taehyun rewinded the tape, he knew there was something more between Beomgyu and Yeonjun, but he didn't dare pry into it because... before the tapes happened, Taehyun did everything to pretend Beomgyu didn't exist only to escape his own guilt.

**_ " _ ** **_ And maybe that's why I love you. _ **

**_ Because you're Choi Yeonjun, the one who... loved me... but didn't chose me. _ **

**_ Yes, hyung... I know you loved me. And I also know that there's a reason behind why you chose him over me. A deeper reason. Could the reason be more important than leaving me all the while knowing I'd be broken? Maybe.  _ **

**_ You were great, hyung. You always assured me that Hoseok hyung doesn't hate me. Maybe you're just blind to all the opportunities Hoseok hyung sees in you.  _ **

**_ On the first day you went to TDC, you scared me y'know?  _ **

**_ The second you stepped foot on TDC's campus, ZEETA instantly invited you to a party, invited you to be one of them... but you refused.  _ **

**_Instead, you slapped their power-hungry faces by sitting with me during lunch, being by my side in the library, accompanying me to dance lessons that I knew Hoseok-hyung resents at this point,_** "  Beomgyu laughed, _**"And then... you began receiving anonymous texts. From ZEETA."**_

 _ **From that Wooyoung guy I think. I'm not that particular with names.**_ " Taehyun paused the recording. Did he hear that right? 

So... it _was_ Wooyoung who Yeonjun was arguing with in the corridors. 

**_ "Texts and letters, and their leader bothered you, and pressured you to join them... but you never gave in. You are popular around the school, but always just hung out with me whenever you'd see me.  _ **

_ **But since you received those texts, you seemed mentally distant. Until you couldn't handle the nagging feeling of curiosity anymore, and you asked me a question. You asked me if the rumours were true.** _

_ **I was hurt that you even considered the possibility of it to be real, but I ignored that... because you asked and didn't blindly believe hear-say.** _

_ **I guess you'd be okay with me reminiscing our memories... at least, so that one of my last thoughts in this world would be happy."** _


	14. The One Who Loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal thoughts, tendencies. swearing. derogatory terms

Love. 

It's a word that holds so much power-- makes one vulnerable. Weak. 

It's the feeling Beomgyu thought Taehyun reciprocated. The feeling that his parents promised they felt towards him. The feeling that brought Beomgyu so much trauma, hardships, and pain.

Beomgyu didn't want to say nor think that he loved Yeonjun, because everyone Beomgyu loved would end up the same way. They'd use him, leave him. 

But he really did love Hoseok's better song. 

Yeonjun tried to get Beomgyu's attention twice. 

First, was when he introduced himself to Beomgyu in the practice room. Obviously, that didn't work out, but Yeonjun was determined to make Beomgyu his friend. Something about Beomgyu enticed and intrigued him, made him feel a fluttery feeling he'd never felt with anyone else before. 

Second, was when Yeonjun had this small instinctive feeling to call Beomgyu. The day after his dance practice.

Beomgyu locked himself in his own room, as usual. He didn't want to face anyone, maybe he was thinking of ways he could leave the world. The most painless way, he thinks he has been through too much pain already. 

_Would pills do the trick?_

He walked towards his bathroom and opened the cupboard behind his mirror, taking out the bottle of pills. He uncapped the container, but before he could pour all the pills out onto his hand, his phone, which he left on his bed, rang.

_Okay, one last phone call. I owe the world an explanation after I do this to myself._

He closed the bottle and answered the ringing in his phone. It was Yeonjun. Right, he has saved the guy's number per Hoseok's request.

"Hello, hyung?" Came Beomgyu's hushed voice, his hand shaking with anticipation of what he was about to do. 

"Beommie!" The elder's cheerful tone made Beomgyu jump. 

"Why... why did you call?"

"I just wanted to talk. I don't know, it's kind of weird, but I have a bad feeling you're, uhm," Yeonjun fumbled for words, how was he supposed to rephrase 'I called because I feel like you're gonna do something stupid', "I just wanted to talk to you. I saw you yesterday, you didn't look okay."

Beomgyu responded with silence. No one has ever cared for him like that.

"Wanna talk it out?"

Beomgyu wanted to scold himself for answering almost too quickly, handing his trust too quickly, _"Yes."_

Yeonjun was insistent, annoyingly insistent, to meet with Beomgyu before they went to school. 

**Yeonjun-hyung:** _Beommie, I'm outside. I usually bring my motorcycle but ig we can walk too, especially since idk if u have ever ridden one before_

Beomgyu sighed upon reading the text message he had received. He hoped the elder would ditch him, but Yeonjun didn't. Beomgyu peered out his bedroom window, and saw Yeonjun, anxiously pulling at the straps of his bag, patiently waiting for the boy to come out.

Yeonjun was such a good guy, it would be a shame to lose him once he begins making cooler and better friends. TDC is a huge school, after all. Yeonjun can take his pick, Beomgyu was used to being left alone. Being with Yeonjun would only brighten his pathetic spotlight. 

Beomgyu would be lying if he said that the thought of Yeonjun hanging out with others didn't bother him. He didn't have the right to be bothered, he and Yeonjun were only acquaintances. They know each others names, know how to make each other smile even in the slightest-- but they weren't friends, even if they were in Yeonjun's head. Beomgyu would fade from Yeonjun's friend list as soon as he steps foot on the TDC campus, Beomgyu just _knows it._

 _Yeonjun-hyung:_ _Beommie, let's gooo i know youre ready_

All right, _here goes nothing._

Beomgyu took his own bag and went down the stairs, opening the door as he was greeted by Yeonjun's face.

"Morning hyung..."

"Good morning to you too, Beommie. Here," Yeonjun handed Beomgyu a paper bag. Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, but took the offer anyway. 

"It's breakfast. I remember you told me your parents are usually on business trips, so I bought you a meal," Yeonjun said in a soft voice, knowing how the gesture came as a shock to Beomgyu.

"Oh... thank you."

"Okay then," Yeonjun let out a breath he has unknowingly been holding, "Let's get going."

The walk from Beomgyu's home to TDC took about half an hour. Beomgyu listened to Yeonjun's endless stories about his previous school, Beomgyu silently wishing he were as lucky as Yeonjun.

The elder was also popular among the students in his former high school, teachers loved him, though he wasn't much of an honor student. "But I do excel in dance, sports and other fields of art, oh god I sound so boastful but, hey, I'm telling the truth Beommie!"

"Hm, maybe you'd get into the varsity, hyung."

Yeonjun considered, and shook his head, "Nah, I'd rather focus with dancing for now. And my grades," Yeonjun laughed at himself, "Wow, it's the first time in years that I've been conscious about my grades."

Beomgyu felt Yeonjun's aura turn sullen as they walked towards the TDC building. "Hyung... you okay?" His own words shocked Beomgyu, he has gotten used to being at the receiving end of those words. He felt stupid for asking since Yeonjun, a jolly and cheerful person who loved himself so much it bordered self-cest, was obviously not okay-- he would still be smiling if he were.

He didn't expect Yeonjun to open up to him, but he did. 

"Even if my parents didn't find a job here, they'd force me to continue my studies here either way." Yeonjun slowed his pace, he seemed to be thinking his words through, "My parents didn't like my circle of friends in our old place. They barely studied, got themselves high almost every night. You'd think I wouldn't fit in with them, but I did. Although I didn't _do_ stuff with them, we often played basketball together. I was often around them during the times they were sober."

Yeonjun paused. "I miss them. I was trying to fix them too, Beom. I think I could've stopped them from being brought into rehab and stuff. Or maybe I just have a hero complex."

"Hero complex?" Beomgyu repeated, urging Yeonjun to expound on what he meant.

"Maybe I _am_ a narcissist. Maybe I tried to spare them from further troubles because I wanted to be a hero, called a hero, given the credit of putting my so-called friends back on the right and clean track." Yeonjun stopped walking, "If I didn't hide their drugs in my bag, my parents never would've found out."

"So if you're thinking that attracting attention to myself is in my itinerary.., it's not. Maybe I'll stick with the right people from now on, Beommie." Yeonjun flashed him a reassuring smile, Beomgyu couldn't help the rising blush in his cheeks.

The second Yeonjun scanned his new I.D. and entered the highschool building with Beomgyu, all eyes were on the taller. Maybe it was his height, broad shoulders, bright hair, or the way Beomgyu's companion carried himself-- but Beomgyu felt as though he had shrunk. 

Beomgyu agreed to walking with Yeonjun to his classroom. On the way, people scrutinized Yeonjun, taking up his form that Beomgyu had only noticed has been drenched in confidence. 

Right, Yeonjun was used to the attention. 

Outside Yeonjun's classroom, a very familiar group of people waited by the door, some of them were conversing with themselves, while the others were doing what the rest of the campus did-- stare at Yeonjun.

For the first time, Yeonjun felt inferior... or at least overwhelmed. He checked his wristwatch, and upon seeing it was still early, he pulled Beomgyu into another hallway.

"Hyung? Your room was that way," Beomgyu said, pointing back at the direction they came from, but he let Yeonjun pull him by the wrist anyway. 

"Who are they, Beom?"

"What, who?" Yeonjun stared at Beomgyu until it would click in Beomgyu's head, "Oh. ZEETA. I wouldn't be shocked if they were there to talk to you."

"Talk to me? About?"

Beomgyu _did not_ want to talk about this, of _ZEETA,_ of all things. "About recruiting you."

"Recruit?"

"C'mon, hyung," now Beomgyu was being impatient, "If they were a normal group of friends they wouldn't name themselves ZEETA. They're a frat, hyung. They do stupid, messed up stuff. You'd fit in." Beomgyu slammed his own mouth shut. He didn't mean for it to come out that way.

"Hyung, I'm--"

"Yeah, don't sweat it," Yeonjun sighed, looking down, "Like I said... I'll try and be low-key for now. I don't have time to get myself into ZEETA."

-

Beomgyu usually sat alone in the school's cafeteria. He sat at the corner, silently eating and keeping himself company.

Although he didn't really enjoy the food in the canteen, he forced down the meal just so he'd have energy to make it through the day. 

There was nothing new, really. Beomgyu didn't bother to look for Yeonjun since he must've found better friends by now. The girls at the table next to him kept gossiping about stuff Beomgyu could care less about..., and then they started talking about the _hot new kid._

He almost called out one of the girls to stop referring to Yeonjun as the _hot new kid._ He missed having Yeonjun as his own little secret.

The jocks sat at the middle tables, Beomgyu began to suspect they didn't know how to sit down correctly, since about two thirds of them sat directly on the table. They were loud, if Beomgyu listened hard enough, he could almost hear their chewing sounds and-- _"Yeah, that tall guy, is he new? D'you think he'd make a good team captain,"_ to which the current captain responded by flicking a sandwich wrapper to his teammate's face. 

Beomgyu smiled to himself, about five hours in TDC and Yeonjun has already made a good impression. 

And then, the cafeteria went silent for a good two seconds, until the chatter continued again. Beomgyu, who was currently drinking almond milk looked around and lo and behold-- it was ZEETA. Of course, it was ZEETA. Always silencing the crowd just by their mere presence. 

Even though it hurt, Beomgyu couldn't stop himself from following the frat's direction and looking for a certain red-head. Taehyun was next to Soobin, nose buried in a book as always, Hongjoong tapping a random guy's shoulder and asking him to leave the table they practically claimed. Okay, Hongjoong didn't ask, he didn't even open his mouth. The guy and his friends just left, probably because leaving ZEETA waiting was probably the worst decision they'd make.

Beomgyu didn't expect his heart to break when he spotted Yeonjun talking to Wooyoung and Mingi, but it did. The small part within Beomgyu that believed Yeonjun and him would be friends slowly dissipated, and Beomgyu vowed to never entertain the thought of having friends again.

He averted his gaze and continued to eat. He planned to go to the library right after and hide behind the tallest bookshelf and read, or take a nap. 

"Hey, mind if I join you?" The boy looked up to see Yeonjun, who had already sat down beside him and set down his tray of food. 

Beomgyu felt ZEETA's eyes burning through him, could almost hear Hongjoong's remark of, " _I can't believe Yeonjun chose the loner over us._ " He saw the quaint reactions of the girls beside his table, and the amused smirk of the jocks on the table across him.

"I-- yes... sure, hyung."

"What? Show's over!" Yeonjun blatantly announced to the whole cafeteria. They resumed eating, but ZEETA wasn't having it. 

"I hate them. They're annoying."

"Annoying is a funny word to describe them, hyung."

"Why the fuck are they _still_ staring at us?" Yeonjun said while having a staring contest with Hongjoong, who had his tongue in his cheek.

Beomgyu shook his head and too out his phone, plugging in the earphones and handing one ear bud to Yeonjun. "I usually drown them out with music."

Yeonjun inserted the bud into his ear along with Beomgyu.

"They won't stop until you join them though, hyung."

"Yes, I could tell. They've already invited me to a party-- a _party?_ On a school night? They're giving me bad vibes. My friends in my old school were better-- at least _they_ respected my decisions."

Yeonjun was about to continue his rant when soft music began to flow in his ears. 

Beomgyu was right, music did drown them out. Soon enough, at least for the remaining ten minutes of lunch time, it was as if it was just him and Beomgyu. 

" _All I needed was the love you gave_

_All I needed for another day  
And all I ever knew  
_

_Only you._ "

\---

"So what if I read?" Yeonjun questioned, one eyebrow raised at Beomgyu, who was sat at the couch of the library. 

"I don't know, I just didn't perceive you as one who reads fiction books."

"I read to procrastinate, Beommie. And besides, I couldn't really use my phone here in the library, right? That'd be rude."

"Then why don't you study?"

"Yeah," Yeonjun leaned further into the couch, "I'm the _reading_ type, not the studying type."

"Hey," Yeonjun's form perked up, "Don't you have dance lessons today?"

Beomgyu sighed and pretended to be even more engrossed in his Statistics book, aimlessly highlighting words that seemed important, "I was thinking of skipping. Dropping the lessons, actually."

"What? No, Beommie, don't. You're a great dancer--"

"You're just saying that because we're friends." And for the second time that day, Beomgyu wished he hadn't said what he said.

"You're right," Yeonjun spoke, "I said that because we're friends, _I'm friends_ with a good dancer who doesn't see his talent, and it's kind of pissing me off, Beom." Yeonjun let out a soft chuckle, "You're going to complete your dance lessons, I'm coming with you so you can't skip."

Beomgyu gave a small smile to himself, he'd say he loved Yeonjun's dedication, but he didn't want to get his hopes up. Yeonjun would eventually get tired of him, like they all did. 

Both Yeonjun and Beomgyu jumped at the high pitched ping from a notification on Yeonjun's phone. The elder fished it out from his pocket, eyebrows creasing as he read the contents of the text message. 

"What is it?" Beomgyu found himself asking, since the look on his hyung's face was one of concern and of something Beomgyu couldn't place.

"Nothing, Beom... you should continue studying."

\---

The text message was most definitely _not_ nothing.

Yeonjun stuck around the dance studio while Beomgyu danced along with Hoseok. 

Yeonjun had already muted his phone, even put it on the _do not disturb_ mode, but the texts kept on coming. It wasn't like Yeonjun didn't know who the texts came from. 

_**Unknown** : _the party will be at mingi's if you're still game [location attached].

 _ **Yeonjun** : _i told you earlier, i'm busy. and how tf did you get my number?

 _  
**Unknown** : _we have connections, getting your number was very easy. also, are you sure you'd rather waste your time with that whore rather than have fun with us?

 _ **Yeonjun** : _beomgyu isn't a what you think he is, stop bullying him, he's a better friend than all of you could ever be.

 _  
**Unknown** : _people would think youre a whore too, since you love hanging out with him so much. 

_  
**Unknown** : _yeonjun, we are what's best for you. you shouldnt be hanging around a piece of trash like him. 

**_Yeonjun:_** what the fuck? i'm blocking you. 

_  
**Unknown** : _then i'll use another number to text you, easy as that.

 ** _Yeonjun:_** i'm blocking you, which one of those bastards even are you? i've just transferred give me a break

 _  
**Unknown** : _hmm, you'll know soon enough. though I don't think we have met so no, i'm not hongjoong nor mingi nor am i soobin or taehyun if that's what youre thinking

 ** _Yeonjun:_** okay, stop this. i' not going to the party, i'm not going anywhere near you either.

 _  
**Unknown** : _it's your call. but that doesnt mean our leader would stop, you belong with us. with me. 

**_Yeonjun:_** no i dont, i belong right here, away from you. 

Yeonjun huffed and took his phone charger from his bag, plugging the charger at his phone's rear, and connecting it to electricity. 

The elder stood from the floor to go outside where a water dispenser was located. He could buy juice from the vending machine, but he was too lazy to deal with it if it malfunctions. He was only thirsty, anyway.

Back inside the dance room, Hoseok told Beomgyu to take a five minute break. He went back to where Yeonjun was earlier, since he has also left his stuff at the same place. He took out a snack bar from his bag, when-- _ping!_

Yeonjun's phone illuminated along with the notification. A clear white message box appeared over Yeonjun's mint-colored lockscreen. 

_From Unknown:_ fine, your decision. but when the the slut starts being a bother, we're here for you.

Beomgyu flinched after reading the words on the screen. He didn't mean to peek at someone else's phone, he followed his reflexes and his eyes were quick to scan over the said notification.

He heard the door creak, signaling Yeonjun's return. Beomgyu distracted himself from the ache in his heart by focusing on the sweet taste of the snack bar in his mouth. 

ZEETA's insults never got to him-- okay, they did... but it was never this bad. Beomgyu could feel tears prick at his eyes.

Why did it have a different effect on him when he knew Yeonjun would eventually read it, but doesn't care when the entire school has branded him as an s-word?

"Gyu? You all right?"

"Are you going to join them, hyung? It's... it's fine by me."

"No, Beom. I promise, I never will."

\---

Yeonjun was keen on keeping his promise. 

The texts and the derogatory slurs directed towards Beomgyu didn't stop, though. They'd come at the most expected, and most unexpected times. At three in the morning, in the middle of class, at dance practice, while Yeonjun listened on his spotify-- the texts, some variations of 'Beomgyu is worthless', kept coming.

 _Unknown:_ Beomgyu hasn't exactly denied our accusations, has he?

 _Yeonjun:_ Irrelevant question, stop texting.

Yeonjun had tried changing his number, even keeping his new number secret from Beomgyu and Hoseok, but somehow ZEETA figures it out.

 _Unknown:_ Then why don't you ask him himself? After all, only beomgyu would know how much filth he's taken in life. [Image attached.]

Yeonjun nearly flung his phone across the room. 

_unknown:_ Are you shocked, yeonjun? he isnt as pure and innocent as he seems, he would throw himself at literally anyone. maybe he does it to get paid, i don't know. or maybe he finds fun in it. You know, maybe he's planning on doing it with you someday.

 _Yeonjun:_ no. beomgyu isn't like that. youre making this up.

 _Unknown:_ ya think? [3 images attached.] yeah, taehyun had his fun. 

Yeonjun gulped, clicking the side of his phone as the screen faded to black. The four pictures the unknown number had sent... were of Taehyun and Beomgyu on the night they kissed. Nothing else happened, and nothing particularly suggestive was captured in the photos, but Yeonjun couldn't help thinking... _what if?_

\---

He talked to Beomgyu about it the next day, not knowing how much the question would affect him. They were under a shade right outside TDC's highschool building.

"Beomgyu?"

"Yes, hyung?" Beomgyu replied as he continued to stare at the patch of flowers in front of them. 

"What happened..." Yeonjun chose his words wisely, knowing how easily affected Beomgyu was with these things, "with you and Taehyun?" Yeonjun didn't deem it necessary to tell Beomgyu about the leaked pictures.

"Nothing," Beomgyu said, his calm demeanor taking Yeonjun by surprise, "Nothing happened, hyung. We kissed, feeling were involved on my end... but nothing happened. If ZEETA want you to believe otherwise, I can't stop you from being disgusted at me."

"I believe you, Beommie. I've had my fair share of rumours. I've learned to discern the truth from a fabrication."

Beomgyu let out a sigh of relief at that. Yeonjun knew about the Taehyun incident and _wasn't_ disgusted? Better, he believed Beomgyu?

It was a win for the younger.

 _" **I don't think I have thanked you enough, Yeonjun-hyung. But thank you for sticking with me even when no one else did. I'm just... sad that you left me even when you were given a choice.**_ _"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The song BeomJun listened to is 'Only You' by Selena Gomez, it's a part of 13rw's soundtrack <33 ALSO THIS HURT TO WRITE LMAO IM SO SO SORRY ILY GUYS IM SORRY--


	15. Tape 3, Side A

"You're already the batch valedict, what are you so worried about?" Hongjoong asked, his feet on the table as he leaned on the backrest of a swivel chair. Taehyun had found Hongjoong in a random classroom, holding a meeting with the higher-ups of the ZEETA members.

Taehyun waited until the meeting ended for him to talk about his concerns with the leader. 

"I'm the _what?_ " Frankly, Taehyun has forgotten about his conversation with Namjoon the other day. 

"You told us you were scared Chae would take your spot--"

"... I was. What did you do?" Taehyun asked, concern lacing his voice. After all, ZEETA was infamous for doing dangerous, illegal, and questionable things to have their way.

Hongjoong chuckled, "Nothing _too_ bad. Rest assured, Tae, your spot is secured. It was also the easier option for us. We wouldn't have to use money if the school itself would support you. Besides, you deserve the title."

-

Lunch time. Taehyun was eating with Soobin a few tables away from the ZEETA's table. Nowadays, Taehyun has lost his focus, it was hard for him to listen to his teacher's lessons, and it was also hard for him to focus on eating. 

"Tyun? You okay? Your food's gonna get cold," he heard Soobin say, but Taehyun was too preoccupied surveying the cafeteria with his eyes, until he found who he was looking for. 

Choi Yeonjun. The one Beomgyu loved so dearly, the one Taehyun wished hadn't hurt him. Maybe Beomgyu would still be alive if he hadn't done what he did. Bold of Taehyun to blame everything on Yeonjun's actions when he himself was the _gush of wind that caused a landslide._

"Is it just me or are you glaring daggers at Choi Yeonjun?" Soobin's voice snapped Taehyun back to reality.

"Oh, I am?" 

"Yes. Is there something you're not telling me, Taehyun?"

"Nothing," Taehyun averted his gaze, "I was just... going through the reviewer in my head. Exams later, remember?"

-

_"Is there something you're not telling me?" He and Beomgyu were in the library. The place Beomgyu was always seen in, and the place Taehyun loved going to, just to see Beomgyu._

_They've just been friends for a few weeks, but the both of them were already inseparable._

_Beomgyu has noticed that Taehyun has been so out of himself._

_"Is it about ZEETA?" Beomgyu proceeded to ask when Taehyun didn't reply._

_"No," Taehyun lied, "It's not about them. Just... carry on. I'm all right, don't worry._ _"_

_Beomgyu was worried. Was Taehyun being like this because he's finally realized how someone like himself and Taehyun don't mix? Has he found new friends?_

_No. It was none of those. Taehyun was thinking about Beomgyu. About how he could possibly... like Beomgyu as more of a friend. It's just that, Taehyun has never met anyone like Beomgyu before. He was such a pure soul, with a perfect life... well, aside from the part where he had no friends, but Beomgyu told Taehyun that he chose being alone._

_As Beomgyu's eyes full of concentration scanned through his book, Taehyun felt his heart jump._

_Could he... do it to someone as kindhearted as Beomgyu? Could he do it to someone he cared for?_

_Well, if he was considering Beomgyu as the best option he could use for his initiation, then could he even count as someone who cared for Beomgyu?_

_-_

Yeah, Taehyun was no match for Yeonjun. He blew it with Beomgyu after that night at the party, he shouldn't feel this, shouldn't be giving Yeonjun a green eye for treating Beomgyu better than he did. Was Taehyun... jealous of Yeonjun? Why was he feeling these things, it's too late for all of this. Too late to be thinking about what could have happened if Taehyun never destroyed Beomgyu's trust and his reputation.

-

_"I'm sorry, hyung," Taehyun said that same day in the library._

_"What?"_

_"Hyung... someday I will do something... not good..." Taehyun could laugh at himself, for an honor student like him, he sure was shitty at expressing himself._

_"You're not making any sense."_

_"If I hurt you someday, I'm sorry. I know I will..." Of course Taehyun will. Soon. Not someday, next week, at the party._

_Beomgyu stood up and walked over to where Taehyun was seated, plopping himself down on the couch and wrapping his arms around Taehyun._

_"You won't. You can't possibly do anything that would be so bad."_

_"I... I will..."_

_"Why are you talking like that, Taehyun?"_

_"Will you ever forgive me if I do something so bad that would make you hate me?" Taehyun looked into Beomgyu's confused eyes._

_"Taehyun-ah, you're scaring me. Did you get enough sleep last night?"_

_Taehyun looked away._

_-_

And ever since Taehyun made that choice, he could never bring himself to look at Beomgyu the same way again.

-

Taehyun came home to his mother alone in the house. His father has left. Never to come back, hopefully. 

His mother noticed him entering and gestured for Taehyun to sit beside her while a random drama played on their television.

"Did you know?" His mother asked as Taehyun pulled her close. His mother's shoulders quivered as she kept sniffling.

"Yeah. For quite a while..."

"Why didn't you tell me he was seeing someone else?"

"I couldn't find the strength in me to do it." _My dad would tell you about the sins I've done, Eomma. I don't want to be a problem._

The actors in the television were quarrelling. Something about love and how complicated it was. How fitting, considering the circumstances.

-

**_ "Yeonjun hyung... do you remember Hwang Hyunjin? Of course you do... he would always be right outside TDC, with his black leather jacket looking all punk. I don't understand why our schoomates fawn over him-- he doesn't even study here.  _ **

**_ Such a waste of his life... he chose being a delinquent rather than have a popular life. But hey, who am i to judge? My life was a waste too, wasn't it? Everyone once thought Hyunjin didn't care about anyone... well, he did. He cared for his sister. _ **

**_ Even when his sister hated his guts. _ **

**_ And that is who this tape is about, hyung.  _ **

**_ The thing is, I also cared for his sister. Just... not in the way he thought. _ **

**_ I was so stupid for thinking that she would defend me. I thought she would at least explain to her brother that it was only a misunderstanding. _ **

**_ But maybe she saw it as a way to finally get away from me. She didn't pass up on the chance to avoid me for good. _ **

**_ I thought she was an angel who came to save me after you began avoiding me for some reason I couldn't place, hyung. _ **

**_ I thought she was the one true friend who could fix me up after Taehyun. _ **

**_ I thought wrong. _ **

**_ She was no better than the books she loved reading.  _ **

**_ Hwang Yeji is was the book I judged too soon, too soon for me to figure out she was nothing like the cover she plastered on herself." _ **


	16. Now Playing: Tape 3, Side A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: derogatory terms, swearing

Taehyun didn't want to go to school after the conversation he had with his mom the other night. 

"I cared about him so much, Taehyun. I didn't... I didn't think he could do that..."

The boy's heart broke for his mom.

"Do you care for anyone, Tae?" his mother asked, catching him off guard. 

Did he care for anyone? ...anyone other than himself? 

Did Taehyun care about Soobin? Yes, of course. They are friends. 

Did Taehyun care about ZEETA? A bit. He never hung around with them, but weirdly enough, he found himself being concerned that one time Mingi had to have surgery after an accident. He remembered being worried for Hongjoong after he got into a fist fight with a drug dealer. He remembered feeling sadness drape over him that _one_ time he found Wooyoung crying in one of the bathrooms, staring deep into his own eyes at the mirror.

He remembered approaching Wooyoung that time. The elder had forgotten his phone in the cafeteria, so Taehyun set out to look for him to return the device. 

_"You all right?" Taehyun had asked, the pile of books he held hugged to his chest. Wooyoung didn't break eye contact with his own reflection. ZEETA members always looked out for each other, and although Taehyun didn't really like Wooyoung, he still found himself in that situation._

_Wooyoung continued to ignore him. Taehyun shouldn't be here. But his feet thought otherwise as he paced closer to the guy._

_"Your phone--"_

_"What the fuck do the best people see in Choi Beomgyu and why do they keep on sticking to him?" Taehyun flinched at the harshness of Wooyoung's statement._

_"I don't... I don't see anyone hanging around him nowadays..." There it was again, guilt. The resentful feeling of the ghost of Taehyun's first sin towards Beomgyu._

_"Why did you chose him, Taehyun?" Wooyoung faced Taehyun. The books he had suddenly felt heavier._

_"What's so fucking special about him?"_

_Taehyun's thoughts were muddled by Woo's threatening stance._

_"Ah, right..." Wooyoung chuckled, leaning back a few steps, "You only used him. You didn't actually get attached."_

_Oh, if only Wooyoung knew. If only he didn't get attached._

_Sentiment, what a bitch._

_Ping! Taehyun glanced down to the black iphone settled atop the books he held._

_** CYJ: why are you telling me this? ** _

_** CYJ: great, now that i'm talking to u properly, you inbox me? ** _

_** CJY: he's not a slut, so stop spreading that. and i'm not some object you can play with. ** _

_Wooyoung seemed to notice Taehyun's sudden silence. Wooyoung immediately wennt towards him and grabbed his phone, mumbling a, "Forget we had this conversation," as he stomped away._

"Taehyun?"

"Huh--" right, he was still talking to his mother, "I... yeah, Mom. I've cared about someone. I still do."

"Is something wrong?" His mother asked, threading her hands in her son's hair. Only now had she noticed the bags under her son's eyes. Taehyun's smile strained against his cheeks. His mother shouldn't be looking out for _him,_ it should be the other way around. 

He took his mother's hand which was nested on the crook of his neck, right under his jaw, as her thumb caressed his cheek.

_Everything is wrong. I did something wrong. I don't deserve to be looked after._

_I can't do anything right._

"Nothing, Mom. I just... I'm just sad I didn't tell you about dad sooner." _I'm sad Beomgyu is dead._

His mother gave a lighthearted giggle, "What was it you said? You cared about someone? Other than me, of course."

"Mom... I... I did some... terrible things..." _the kiss? that wasn't the last of what Taehyun has done. Truthfully, Taehyun is so scared of what may come in the next tapes. He knows his name will come up again, because the kiss... wasn't the only sin he's committed._

"Everyone makes mistakes, Taehyun."

"No. They make mistakes, yes, but they don't... they don't fuck up again and again, over and over." 

His mother didn't flinch like she usually would when Taehyun cursed. 

"And now..." Taehyun's form slowly gravitated into his mother's embrace, "And now..."

Taehyun couldn't form coherent words, all he could do was sob. 

_And now, the person I care about is dead._

\- 

**_ "Hwang Yeji is was the book I judged too soon, too soon for me to figure out she was nothing like the cover she plastered on herself. _ **

**_ Hyung, she was my senior. She was a staff of the Reader's club. She's a softie, really. She was much like you, Yeonjun-hyung.  _ **

**_ Charming, attention grabber, talented, skilled-- everything everyone wants to be. She also had an overprotective brother. _ **

**_ Yeji once told me that she resented her twin. She spoke of him with so much ill temper I though she wouldn't acre about him anymore. Turns out she was only ashamed of him and of what he has become. _ **

**_ If only she knew she was no better than him. _ **

**_ As you may know, hyung... Hyunjin is bad. Well, at least he fits the dictionary description of the word bad.  _ **

**_ He's the exact opposite of Yeji. Yeji would rather stay in their home reading, while Hyunjin would... well... hand out with drug dealers and getting high. _ **

**_ Is that why you also hated Hyunjin, Yeonjun-hyung? Was it because he reminded you of the friends from your old school you... failed to save? _ **

**_ I see the past haunts everyone in its own way, huh? _ **

**_ Hyung, maybe the reason why I liked you so much was because out of all the people, you were one of those who did something. One of the people who showed a sliver of care towards me and my feelings. _ **

**_ Hyunjin saw the articles published about me. He told Yeji about them. Yeji looked at me with disgust. Of course, she would take her brother's word for it, no matter how much they would fight neck on neck with each other. _ **

**_ Family always outshines a friend. Huh, was I even a friend to her? _ **

**_ I'm... sorry for the punch Hyunjin directed towards your face. It must've hurt... you really didn't have to protect me... I'm used to being people's emotional punching bag... so what difference does it make if they were to turn it physical? _ **

**_ Just like the other people in these tapes... Yeji did nothing. I should have learned from Taehyun, learned from Hoseok hyung..., learned from you... _ **

**_... that when people are given a choice, they would NEVER choose me, they wouldn't think twice about letting go of me, about making me the sacrificial lamb." _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: the next chapter is gonna take a while since it's another narration (a long one lmao according to my drafts... HAHAH see ya! and,, tell me your thoughts so far?)

**Author's Note:**

> what do you think?? kudos and comments are appreciated uwu <33 thanks for reading :>>  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/calyxir)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/calyxir)


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